My plan to get Myself out of the Dark Abyss of Depression

It all started in early spring. At first I thought it was just the blues and maybe my vitamin D levels were low. So off I went to the DR to get a full blood workup. I was really hopeful that would show something that was easily fixed and not be related to Bipolar. I had been happy for over a year so I thought maybe it is because I live in the north where it is cloudy and the sun never shines. The day of the dr’s appointment came and….I was in perfect health. Normally this would be good news but for me i was well..pissed. That meant only one thing the insidious depression had made a come back.

It is hard to describe depression and do it justice. There are no adequate words to describe the blackness and loneliness that descend upon you when you find yourself in the dark never-ending abyss once again. All motivation leaves you. You wallow around in your bed waiting for the end times to come so you can be relived of your misery. strange  symptoms appear that seem to have no basis in reality. For example, tummy aches when the Dr cant find anything wrong with your tummy or anywhere for that matter. I could go on and on but suffice to say I found myself like this

Once I admitted to my Dr how I was really feeling it was decided that MORE meds would be the answer. I asked if she could increase the one I was already on but the Dr said that two meds that I am on have interactions with each other and could cause me to have a heart attack. I was all to willing to risk it but the Dr wasn’t so after studying my inches thick chart like it was some kind of big test she decided on another pill.

Sighhh…
 

I have read Allie Brosh and her blog Hyperbole and a Half and how she described her depression. It is a very accurate description one of my favorites is this

alliebrosh depression

 

This is exactly how I feel. I have friends telling me to snap out of it and I am all like DON’T YOU KNOW IF I COULD I WOULD?!? It is not like I enjoy feeling like this.

 

So I have once again found myself in the dark abyss and I realized that I must be the one to claw myself back out. The Dr’s can only do so much. When I first got sick in 2007 I read and blogged A LOT and it helped. I also remember reading Tolstoy and the Purple Chair and how the author read a book a day and reviewed the books for a year to heal from her sister’s death. I am not ready to try it for a whole year but I decided for the month of August I would read a book a day and blog every day. I know that this isn’t a magical cure but at least it will get me out of my own head and by leaving comments on other blogs I will be sort of reaching out to people. I know my hermit qualities are part of it but actually getting dressed and going out seems to be beyond me at the moment. So as my Dr would say one step at a time so I will stay in my PJ’s and read and blog and be active on social media. Maybe soon I will actually feel like facing in real life people.

1 Comment

  1. […] I wrote about my depressed episode before. I am happy to report that it seems to be lifting. The new pill is FINALLY working. I felt like working on the blog and everything. Hopefully that will be the last for a long long time. I haven’t been reading as much as I have been working on getting my freelance business up and running. I was going to create another blog, but everyone that I have been working with always refers other people to this one to get in contact with me so even though it is not the most professional thing in the world I will just encompass my writing here. Don’t worry, this will always be a book blog first and foremost as that is my first love. I have read about people using Mail chimp so I decided to give it a try. I got the basic RSS thing working, but I am struggling to make it pretty. I need a Mail chimp for dummies book. If any of you know how to do this let me know. Speaking of struggling I decide to conquer Gimp as I am finding picmonkey to be too limiting for what I want to do. I have found tutorials online so hopefully in time I will become an expert. I love learning new things so this is right up my alley. The only bad thing that has happened this week is that my laptop crashed. Thank God that all my writing is backed up to the cloud so it is not the catastrophe that it once was. Even though I kinda like my mom big ass computer screen, I also like the portability of a laptop. I like to go to coffee shops and stuff to work and you can’t carry a big computer screen with you. I am not sure what is wrong with my computer. It will turn on and stuff, but it claims it can’t detect the hard drive so I will have to take it to the shop. I hope that they can fix it. I am crossing everything I can that that hard drive is not messed up. I need a better to do thingie that remember the milk. I gave Asana another go and so far I like it. It will take me a long time to get everything transferred as I have hundreds of items on my list. Today I will be reading Paleo Woman Don’t Get Fat. I had to laugh because it is a based on the book French Woman Don’t Get Fat. Since I am firmly encompassed in the paleo lifestyle this book is better suited for me. Well, I am off to read and comment on blogs. Have a Happy Sunday! […]

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