Book Review: The Confidence Code

Confidence. We want it. We need it. But it can be maddeningly enigmatic and out of reach. The authors of the New York Times bestseller Womenomics deconstruct this essential, elusive, and misunderstood quality and offer a blueprint for bringing more of it into our lives.Is confidence hardwired into the DNA of a lucky few—or can anyone learn it? Is it best expressed by bravado, or is there another way to show confidence? Which is more important: confidence or competence? Why do so many women, even the most successful, struggle with feelings of self-doubt? Is there a secret to channeling our inner confidence?In The Confidence Code, journalists Katty Kay and Claire Shipman travel to the frontiers of neuroscience on a hunt for the confidence gene and reveal surprising new research on its roots in our brains. They visit the world's leading psychologists who explain how we can all chose to become more confident simply by taking action and courting risk, and how those actions change our physical wiring. They interview women leaders from the worlds of politics, sports, the military, and the arts to learn how they have tapped into this elemental resource. They examine how a lack of confidence impacts our leadership, success, and fulfillment.Ultimately, they argue, while confidence is partly influenced by genetics, it is not a fixed psychological state. That's the good news. You won't discover it by thinking positive thoughts or by telling yourself (or your children) that you are perfect as you are. You also won't find it by simply squaring your shoulders and faking it. But it does require a choice: less people pleasing and perfectionism and more action, risk taking, and fast failure.Inspiring, insightful, and persuasive, The Confidence Code shows that by acting on our best instincts and by daring to be authentic, women can feel the transformative power of a life on confidence.

It seems like a lot of successful women are coming out with books. There is Lean In  and Thrive among others. This book is different however in that it talks about women who are successful but still lack the confidence in themselves. First the authors describe what confidence means. It has a different meaning in what I thought it did. Then they interview different women in different fields to see if they had confidence in themselves. All were successful so that was not the issue. What was surprising was that many women felt that they lack confidence. They may show confidence to other people but inside of themselves they still felt insecure.

I was surprised to learn this and in many ways I can relate. No matter how successful I may be I still feel like an imposter just like the women in this book. They had some tips on how to gain confidence. They also acknowledged that society is set up to make women feel like no matter what she does she is failing in some ways. If she is successful in work, she is a bad mother. If she is a stay at home mom then she is not pulling her fair share of the work. We have a long way to go in making sure women are truly equal in whatever she chooses to do. With feminism being in the news recently this is a good time to have such a discussion.

I myself choose to throw myself into my work, but I STILL get questions about do I have a boyfriend, when am I going to have kids etc. I am never sure how to answer these questions so I usually make up a comeback how women who stay at home were not really pulling their weight. I have to admit, I answer this question from a place of insecurity. Am I a failure because I don’t want kids? Why is it so important anyway?

We as a society need to move to a place to where women can feel confident to be whatever she chooses. It is good that this question is getting the airtime that it desperately needs. I will admit and so do the authors of these books that there is no easy answer to this question. In the mean time I am going to try some of the tips in this book and maybe I can move from a place of insecurity to a place of confidence.