Revelations -Uncovering Writers Block

I have wanted to write ever since I was little and most times I was good at it. I always got praises for my writing. I was on the school newspaper in High School in College. Writing used to come easily to me but over the past few years it seems that everything I write I have to grind out. I am never satisfied with anything I write. I also get terrified of who might see my writing.

I borrowed the book The Artist Way from the library in an attempt to try yet another way to unblock my creativity. There was a chapter of negative voices and while the most obvious one would be my 8th grade English teacher telling me “Deaf people can’t write” I have long ago recovered from that. She couldn’t teach English anyway (this was the opinion of everyone who had the misfortune of taking her class) so why listen to her?

A more recent voice came into my head. The voice of my ex. The voice saying things like “you think you are so smart?” “Your English is not that wonderful.” He would ask me to proofread his class papers then tell me i could not proof read. The list goes on and on. I can’t clean the apt good enough. I can’t do this, I can’t do that’ When I was at the computer trying to write a blog post he would ask me why I was wasting time with that shit, it seemed that I was some dumb fool that God had put on this Earth as a joke. And that’s exactly how I felt. I stopped trying to do ANY of those things. I let my apt get so messy that I bet it would rival FlyLadys before she became Flylady. I felt if I couldn’t do it why try?

If someone you love and trust tells you such things it must be true right? Anyone else in the world can tell critize you but when it come to someone so important in your world that says such things it goes deep.

The thing is writing was the most important thing in my world. I wrote myself back to sanity after being diagnosed with bipolar in 2007. I wrote to keep myself sane and stable this person actually reads my journal and criticize me for it! Without writing I felt lost. It was my way to connect with the world. On the written page we are all equal. There is so few communication barriers. So when I quit writing I lost a vital part of myself.

I am now saying that I am here to reclaim that power. I will start writing again and not be afraid who sees it. I know I can write and write well. I will reconnect with the world and never again will I let someone cut of such a vital part of me.